Man Rule #231 – Mens Room Etiquette

Man Rule #231: A Man Shall Always Follow Correct Mens Room Etiquette.

Guys,

We’ve got an unspoken code when it comes to public restrooms. While some of you may flail about in your own personal loo, when we get into a multi-man bathroom situation, things get serious.

Sadly, over the years, correct mens room etiquette has seem to lost some of its original meaning, becoming skewed to include washing your hands with lavender soap and smelling like a daisy. WRONG gent’s! We’re here to bring mens room etiquette back to its original purpose: keeping things Man Card safe when in the public bath.

1. Buffer Zone: First and foremost, there is a specific distance that must be kept at all times. No one wants you walking behind or in front of them like a crippled sack of skin that they have to carry. A minimum 3 ft distance should be kept at all times, no matter how well you know someone in there.

This also goes for the urinal itself. Stalls are always a safe bet (you know, with the walls and such), but the evil bastards that design public bathrooms seem to like to cram more and more urinals into less of a space. The rule of thumb is always to place a urinal between you and someone else. This applies if there are dividers or not! There’s no reason to crowd someone if theres four other urinals unless you’re taking a public circumcision poll for a health studies class.

2. Eye Contact: There is none. Why do you think bars, nightclubs and local restaurants all have the Sports section hanging in the case above the urinal? Because they respect the rule: there is 100% no eye contact in the mens room. Not only can looking at a guy with your junk in your hands create an awkward moment, but it can lead straight to man card revocation.

3. Talking: While you and John may be having a great business discussion at dinner, but when you both (accidentally of course) make it into the mens room at the same time, nothing will kill your business deal quicker than continuing conversation while cupping your cueballs at the urinal. There is and always has been no speaking in the bathroom. Do you think the ancient warriors of Sparta spoke while taking their baths? They may have just come off the plain after slaughtering an entire army and as soon as that tile threshold was crossed there was no talking. The only difference between then and now is the Spartan’s would’ve taking your Man Card and your life for breaking this rule. Today, we just take your man card.

4. Sexual acts: Alright so you’re at the Coyote Ugly, some hot young lady is grinding up on your nether regions, and you say to yourself “If I don’t find a semi-private area to undress my fair lass, I may have to break several beer bottles over someones head”. This is all well and good my young man card holder, but alas, the one mistake you can make is going to the mens room. No sexual acts should be performed in a mens room. Now I am assuming some of you are groaning as you cross that off your bucket list, but bare with me gentlemen. Why would anyone want anything to do with sex in a place full of piss and shit? Regardless, if you are into that sort of thing those acts can be performed at home without the watchful eye of a bouncer who’s going to let you almost finish and then break down the stall door to drag you out by your shirt while your pants dangle helplessly at your ankles.

5. Passing Wind: While this may seem like a rude thing, a man cannot help but pass gas while taking a piss. As you urinate, it shrinks the bladder and allows the movement of methane gas through the intestinal track, ending in violent expulsion. This is not only not rude, but expected in a mens room setting. In man culture, it is the only allowable form of communication within a mens room.

We hope that we could help set the record straight on this mens room etiquette debate. For more Man Rules, visit our Man Rule section of the site.

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2 Comments

  1. Xavi says:

    REVOLUTIONARY SIR! thank you for setting the record straight…

  2. Should be posted on all men’s room walls. I would add that no matter if your at the urinal or on the toilet get off the damn cell phone. Goes hand in hand with the no talking rule.

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