Turkey Bowl Rules: How to Run the Thanksgiving Morning Game

Gentlemen,

Somewhere in your town there is a field behind a church or a school where the same men have played football on Thanksgiving morning for ten years. That game is the best hour of the holiday, and it runs on a few rules nobody writes down. We are writing them down, because the Revoked Report has been hearing Turkey Bowl cases since 2012.

Rule one: kickoff time is sacred

Pick it once and never move it. Nine is right: late enough to see the ball, early enough that everyone is home to shower before the relatives show up. The man who asks to push it to 10:30 because nine is "early for a holiday" is not asking about the time.

Rule two: you show up

You said you were in. You are in. In 2012 a member filed on two friends planning their way out of the annual game. One said he could not play unless his wife said it was okay, and asked if somebody else could ask her for him. The other cited an old Pee Wee football injury: "doesn't want to get hurt again. Oh, my shoulder." The jury revoked them 30 to 0. Unanimous. That is how seriously the club takes this game.

Rule three: two-hand touch, played hard

Nobody needs a torn knee before dinner. Two-hand touch, or flags if that is how your game has always been played. Play it hard inside those rules: run your routes, rush the passer, talk trash at the line. What you do not do is change the rules the week of the game.

Rule four: nobody signs anything

The handshake at the coin toss is the contract. This year Travis M. sent the group text a three-page liability waiver, with a line for a witness signature, for a game that has been played behind the same church for eleven years. The jury revoked him, 88 to 9. Remember, your Man Card can never be taken away, only temporarily revoked, and Travis can earn his back at the bottom of a pile.

Rule five: the teams are fair

Captains pick, alternating, and the two best players are never on the same side. Brothers-in-law go on opposite teams, which settles more than the score. Every kid old enough to catch gets a series.

Rule six: the losers buy the first round

Somebody has to, and the scoreboard decides who. Then everybody goes home. The game ends when the first man's phone rings with the question about the potatoes, and no later. The bird is the main event. The game is the warm-up.

Know a man who is already working on his excuse for this year? File the charge before Thursday, while there is still time to talk him out of it.

Where does your Turkey Bowl get played, and how many years running? Tell us in the comments.

Stay Manly My Friends...