Giving Thanks

Here’s my recipe for the infamous “24 Hour Fried Thanksgiving Turkey”:

  • At 8:00pm on Wednesday, consume 6-Pack of Beer.
  • 9:30pm, Tell wife you don’t give a shit that her parents are coming tomorrow, and to get you another beer.
  • 10:45pm, Open refrigerator, examine turkey to see if it has thawed. If so, skip step 4. If not, drink another six pack.
  • Move turkey to get to beer. Consume 6-Pack.
  • 1:03am, Begin to rummage through garage to find Turkey Fryer. After locating, reward yourself with 3 more Beers.
  • Thanksgiving Day, 6:32am, pick naked self up off of front lawn, ignore wife screaming “Oh no, everyone will be here in a few hours!”, take shower, get ready for the day.
  • 8:10am, Realize all the relatives are coming in a few hours. Go to refrigerator, move turkey, pull out six pack of beer, and begin preparation for relatives.
  • 9:24am, Hook fryer to propane tank.
  • Find car keys, propane tank is empty, not an issue, good opportunity to get more beer.
  • While driving around, be sure to look for a gas station that sells both beer and propane. If this is impossible, find place that sells beer.
  • 12:00pm, Begin turkey preparation. Consume 3 more beers.
  • 1:30pm, relatives begin to arrive, start turkey.
  • 1:31pm, note to self, frozen turkey explodes in hot oil. Need new eyebrows.
  • Numb 3rd Degree oil burns by drinking more beer.
  • 3:12pm, Turkey has been consumed, relatives are screaming and yelling at one another. Smile, raise your drink to tradition, and have another beer.
  • 7:59pm, In a drunken stupor, tell relatives “you hate their fucking guts” and to get out of your house.
  • 8:00pm, Drink another beer.

And that, my friends, is how you prepare a 24-Hour Turkey.

Happy Thanksgiving, Stay Manly My Friends…


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